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Star Witness

by Backdoor Frontman

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1.
Pediatrician 01:30
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2.
Bob Dylan's 82nd Dream 03:49
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I got up in the morning and caught the school bus Rode it to the levee where they had some news for us ''You best turn back and go on home; there ain't no school today. The bridge washed out, the levee broke, and that's all there is to say." Go home and take it easy is what I wanted most But I'd finished off that Kesey book with the last of the French toast. Now, the bookmobile is stranded on the north side of the river. I already called the pizza place. They said they don't deliver. Went out in to the woods where I found a tree to climb. When I came back in I found my dad committing several crimes. He'd slaughtered all the salesmen who had come up to our door. But at least the house was nice and clean--they'd vacuumed all the floors. He told me not to worry--we'd have food for the winter. Mom pointed out "There's no charcoal" so Dad had had to send her Out to the store to get some more before they locked their door Or we'd have to give in, hunker down, and eat it all tar-tar "You know I don't eat meat," I said, "as you well know. Not since that time we were confined because of all that snow." He threw me out and told me all I did was to complain. "You think the world revolves 'round you. You're really much too vain." I went out in to the fields where I spied an aeroplane. It was flying low and fast and close and it landed on the grain. The pilots fell out complaining that flyin' was really hard. "But anyway, we're here to save you: we're the National Guard" I said, "Thank God that you have come to take me into town. Everything we have out here is boring, flat, and brown. We only get two channels here; we can't even order cable. The only place to go for fun is out into the stable." I said I'd always seen myself as a famous puppeteer. They sympathized and said there weren't much call for that 'round here. "This may be your big break, son. This whole state is doomed." So I hopped aboard, they did that same, and then away we zoomed.
3.
Ponderous 01:41
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4.
Magma 01:23
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5.
Dogs with Human Heads 02:44
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VERSE 1: What's with that dog, man he sure looks a fright That hybrid mutt is one ugly sight That crazy dog man he scares me to death Can't be a real dog 'cause he's got such fresh breath CHORUS: Dogs with human heads Live in a doghouse but they sleep in beds Dogs with human heads They won't eat vomit VERSE 2: They've got no hands, so they never can shave They look like hermits, that live in a cave. It must be funny--it must be weird To be a dog and have a Santa Claus beard. CHORUS 2: Dogs with human heads Live in a doghouse but they sleep in beds Dogs with human heads BRIDGE: Can't catch a frisbee, can't fetch a bone Can't go to college, or play the trombone Spends all his time in his house all alone His only friends are on the 900 phone CHORUS 3: Dogs with human heads Live in a doghouse but they sleep in beds Dogs with human heads VERSE 3: What can life be for a dog such as this? He can't know joy, and he'll never feel bliss Where does he fit into life's great puzzle Wearing a leash and a customized muzzle? CHORUS 4: Dogs with human heads Live in a doghouse but they sleep in beds Dogs with human heads
6.
Riverside Drive 01:47
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You’re dad’s in Illinois at a cop convention Your stepmother’s passed out drunk We’re driving to the river in my mother’s car with the sleeping bag in the trunk My stomach’s strange feelin’ not quite right I can already taste your make-up But it’s such a perfect cold summer night and we never have to wake up. We’re never gonna make it up to Kansas City To get you to a symphony I’m going off to school in another week It’s the only night you’ll spend with me We got to the river but we kept on driving The tape deck still worked right. I took you back home and we said goodbye Before the stars had started to fade out Before it had even got light.
7.
Labor of Love 03:00
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VERSE 1: Well the morning comes, it’s time to go to work just like a peasant. And I see you lyin’ next to me like my birthday present. Reachin’ for the telephone as I’m scootin’ up next to you. Saying to the boss man, “There’s something else I got to do!” CHORUS 1: I’m on strike! Doin’ the labor of love. I’m on strike! So meet my demands. I’m on strike! Doin’ the labor of love. I’m on strike! So meet my demands. VERSE 2 I can work a little bit Just to keep you fed. And I can work a little bit more Just to keep a roof over our bed! But if all my life I had to spend at work without you I’d take a knife And just cut myself in two! CHORUS 2 I’m on strike! Doin’ the labor of love. I’m on strike! So meet my demands. I’m on strike! Doin’ the labor of love. I’m on strike! SOLO (Guitar and tenor sax) CHORUS 3I’m on strike! Doin’ the labor of love I’m on strike! So meet my demands. I’m on strike! Doin’ the labor of love I’m on strike! So meet my demands. Yeah! I ain’t goin out! Naw, I’m stayin home You’re staying with me too woman! Yeah! Doin the labor of love. Shoppin? No you can’t go shopping! I don’t know what you think you’re gonna use for money!
8.
Family Ties 02:24
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CHORUS 1: Family ties, the ties that bind Can I ever cut you loose? These family ties have got us Tied up like a noose. Can I ever get you to myself? Is there any hope of that? ‘Cause I’d like to form some family ties with you. VERSE 1: I met you up at school and I found you to be cool. We began to go around more and more. When the weekend rolled around, I’d be set to paint the town, But you were always running back to daddy’s door. VERSE 2: With graduation close at hand I decide to take a stand: I plan on how we’ll move to gay Paris! Now a B.A.’s nice to have and it looks fine up on your wall But what you really need to know is Lotus 1-2-3. BRIDGE: Broke and out of work, our debt it starts to lurk. You decide it’s time to move back home. Nothing left for me to do but come along and move there too, Your family ties will catch us as we fall. GUITAR SOLO (fingerpicked arpeggios over chorus chords) CHORUS 2: Family ties, the ties that bind Will they ever cut us loose? Your family finds it’s pulling us ‘Round like a caboose. Will I ever get you to myself? Is there any hope of that? ‘Cause I’d like to form some family ties with you. VERSE 3: Now the years have added up and I fell into a rut, While you enjoyed upward mobility. Now you’re the one who wants to go, and I’m the one who can’t say no To the family ties that have grown so dear to me! CHORUS 3: Family ties, the ties that bind Will you ever cut me loose? These family ties have got me Have got me tied up like a noose. Will you ever get me to yourself Is there any hope of that? ‘Cause I’d like to form some family ties It’s high time we formed family ties I’d really like to form some family ties with you.
9.
Lake of Soup 02:45
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10.
French Fries, Chocolate, and Carrot Cake 02:44
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Kari White, she's so cute She's always clean and she tells the truth With her orange hair and her little head She likes to sleep in her feather bed. She drives around all day long She likes to listen to a Pearl Jam song Except when she's taking clients on trips Then she has to listen to B96. French fries, chocolate, and carrot cake Is what she likes to eat when she takes a break. She eats lots of salad and she likes to bake, But she's a vegetarian so she won't eat steak. Every day she goes to work While I go to school like a useless jerk. She makes all the money for me to spend You know I'm bound for a bad end. But we'll get married and I'll get a job I'll make lots of money and I won't be a slob Be able to buy lots of corn on the cob! We might settle down and have a son named Rob. I'll eat lots of salad and I'll learn to bake Become a vegetarian so I won't eat steak. I'll be a good cook and I'll learn to make French fries, chocolate, and carrot cake. French fries, chocolate, and....
11.
HLR Song 1.1.0.3 01:50
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CHORUS: Oh the HLR is a very fine thing, it’ll never ever never ever stop. You can run it all day, call it from L.A. it’ll work just like a clock. It’ll be your best friend, it’ll never ABEND and it’s just two million a pop. Oh the HLR is a very fine thing, it’ll never ever never ever stop. Now you might ask if Ericsson can sell you something as good. Those medieval cranks maybe could compete if it could be carved from wood. Get some money from the bank, you’ll have yourself to thank and you’ll give a fellow yank a job Or will you be a fink, a godless commie pink, a dirty Saab-loving sod? CHORUS: The HLR is a very fine thing, it’ll never ever never ever stop. You can run it all day, call it from L.A. it’ll work just like a clock. It’ll be your best friend, it’ll never ABEND and it’s just two million a pop. Oh the HLR is a very fine thing, it’ll never ever never ever stop. BRIDGE: And if it does will your subs all sail to a cybernetic Sargasso? If you have to ask we’ll all reply an indignant resounding ‘No!’ It’s the reason those techs over at Nynex never have cause to be blue ‘Cause we give you two, it’s the least we can do for being so loyal and true. CHORUS: The HLR is a very fine thing, it’ll never ever never ever stop. You can run it all day, call it from L.A. it’ll work just like a clock. It’ll be your best friend, it’ll never ABEND and it’s just two million a pop. Oh the HLR is a very fine thing, it’ll never ever, never never, never never, ever ever, never ever, never never stop.
12.
Star Witness 02:19
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VERSE 1: I was a public enemy. I could Steal a kiss but always… get off free If someone got hurt well better her than me I couldn’t be tied down Never returning to the scene If I made a break I always made it clean Protected my autonomy I was Wanted all over town PRE-CHORUS: But then one day something came over me Was it love some kind of trap or was it destiny You walked on and I went quietly As I’d stopped to worship the ground CHORUS: You’re the star witness but we’re miles apart You’re the star witness, let my sentence to start You’re the star witness you’re the trial of my heart you’re the Star witness to me VERSE 2: No single girl could ever fit the bill I’d see a new girl and give her a thrill There’d always be more… soil to till I’d always have to move on I always thought I’d be king of the hill The girl I kept would have to follow my drill I thought I’d wear all the… pants until You came and made me your pawn HARMONICA SOLO over pre-chorus chords. CHORUS: You’re the star witness and we’re miles apart You’re the star witness, I want my sentence to start You’re the star witness you’re the trial of my heart You’re the star witness to me
13.
Perpetual Lotion Machine 00:56
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Our love is a perpetual lotion machine. It makes me feel good! All the time! All right!

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released August 1, 1999

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Backdoor Frontman Elgin, Illinois

Sometimes-comical original songs from an arguably prescient arguably genius edge-lord.
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